Vishen: I'm now gonna introduce Kyle.
And there's not much I can say about Kyle that you guys have not already witnessed.
But after he made fun of me and my accent, and made it seem like I sound German and have
bad grammar, I figured I'm just gonna play that part as I introduce him.
So this is how his introduction video is going to be like.
So this is Vishen according to Kyle Cease.
"All right, everybody now we're going to have Mr. Kyle.
Yes, very, very funny man.
He come up here.
I like him.
I like him lot because he make funny, funny joking, and then he also very inspiring, he
make your brain grow.
And he use many naughty the words, fucking this, fucking that, very funny.
Okay, so Kyle come, come brother, come."
Kyle: Oh folks.
Keep it going for Apu, ladies and gentlemen.
That was awesome.
That's not the voice I gave you, it was more like, "Oh so good.
So good comedian coming up."
It's an absolute honor to be at this event.
I wanna thank Vishen and everyone again for having me, and I hope you enjoyed what I did
last night if you guys got to see it.
Thank you very much.
And it's funny, because after that, a lot of people came up to me and then today people
came up to me and said, "That was amazing how you did that, how you were just off the
cuff, and you were saying stuff that you were just thinking about and that you just saw,"
and that it was really quick.
And I have been going through this theory that actually that's actually easier than
the way that we're choosing to live our lives.
In other words, like I just go with the moment.
Like those guys stood up and ran, so I saw that and commented on it.
And that's all I'm thinking.
And in our lives, that's all we have to do, is just say what we're actually thinking,
and it frees you of it.
You know, if you go to your friend's house, you don't have a set list.
You don't sit there and go, "First, I'll ask him if he has pets, and then if he likes ice
I'll ask that first."
Because that puts you in memory, you go into his house in both past and future.
You know, you literally go in there going, "I gotta remember to say this."
So you leave the moment completely and you go, "I gotta remember that."
And if you were talking to your friend and, like, the earth shook, you'd comment on it.
You wouldn't sit there and try to keep them focused.
"Don't notice that, just listen to what I'm saying."
You'd be in that…it's actually more effortless.
And it's funny because I'm a stand-up comic, and there's literally, like, 108,000 people
trying to do comedy, and 99% of them, or 100%, they're just completely...they think that
they are their material.
You know, they think that they are their jokes.
You're not your jokes.
You're not your product, even.
People don't go to see Ellen DeGeneres's jokes.
They go to see Ellen DeGeneres and her take on things and how she feels about things.
And so that's what you're really selling here with what you're doing.
And the bizarre thing is it's so effortless.
It's so freaking effortless that our minds can't handle it.
And when you say, "Let go," people go, "How do I?"
And well there's no process, you're adding more process to it, you just allow.
And well, "How do I allow?"
Like there's a time that you should start allowing.
Like, "Well at Wednesday you just..."
Like, we don't need any linear time, it literally is just this moment.
And the first thing I do is I go, every single moment is equally important.
This moment right now, when I'm talking to one of you, when I'm peeing, if I'm on Conan
O'Brien, all moments are equally important.
The problem is we put so much emphasis on a future moment that we burn out the current
moment that we're in, and a lot of times we just spend it worrying and creating situations
on how that moment could be bad.
You know what I'm saying?
So we'll be like a very...
I know a million comics, and they're bred out of skepticism, so like they come up with
brilliant sabotaging ways to do things.
So like if you hear that you got "Comedy Central" in a week, the first thing a comic will do,
and most of us will do is come up with, "Oh God, I have this thing that's more important
than this moment."
And you completely lose appreciation for this moment.
And you come up with this future moment, and you come up with why it's going to...
First of all, you come up with why it's so important, meaning like you're in luck if
this doesn't go well.
When you are worried about how something goes, you're saying to the universe, "I'm in lack
if this doesn't go right."
Does that make sense?
You're literally saying, "This has to go well, because this completes me.
This is the most important thing," versus just being okay with what is and just trusting.
And it's just a matter of trusting.
It 100% is.
It's just a matter of allowing and just not getting in the way of anything.
And I'll tell you that my story is that I started doing comedy when I was 12 years old.
I actually started in second grade.
My teacher told me during class that if I would just shut up, she'd give me five minutes
at the end of the week to do whatever I wanted.
And at the time, my uncle worked for Gallagher, the famous comedian Gallagher, he made all
of his props.
And so every year for Christmas we'd get like Gallagher videos and all that stuff.
And it was funny because I'd watch all these Gallagher videos and this guy had toys and
all this stuff.
And so I started in second grade doing stand up for the second graders.
I'd do Gallagher's material, which was funny because he was talking about sex and taxes
with a southern accent.
And I didn't even get what I was saying.
Like, I'd talk to the school and be like, "Women you go out shopping.
You buy us underwear that fits cardboard.
Am I right, guys?"
And like, I'd pull up my dad's underwear with the cardboard.
It was ridiculous.
And every year I would just renegotiate with the teachers.
In third grade, I'd be like, "I'm gonna be really good.
At the end of the week, can I do stand up?"
And then when I was 12, this is true, I just said I wanna do comedy clubs.
And so my favorite show when I was growing up was "Evening at the Improv."
I didn't care about He-Man or any of that shit.
Like, I was just "Evening at the Improv" and, like, comedy specials.
And when I was 12, my dad took me to my first comedy club.
And I did a set and was oblivious to the idea that it wouldn't work out, and I killed it.
And then they said, "You wanna work here more?"
And then I just started doing stand-up every weekend at these comedy clubs.
And then at 15, I remember asking this question, "How can I make more money?"
I was making probably 400 or 500 a week as a feature act at 15 years old, opening for
people like Gilbert Gottfried and those kind of people.
And I would just be like, "How do I make more money?"
And it's so funny how different that question is when we're kids than when we ask now.
Like, "Why me?" and, "Why is this happening to me?" and all these things that we ask.
And as Tony Robbins once said, he said, "When you ask, 'Why me?' you'll get, because you
suck, because you always do this, you know, because you always date the wrong person."
So I was just like, "How do I make more money?"
And I remember asking a comedian, "How do comics make good money?"
And the guy said, "Well, corporate parties."
He goes, "Companies have parties, you know, and they pay good money for good comedians."
And he said, "But you're probably too young."
I didn't hear the last part.
I was just like, next question, "Oh, how do I do corporate parties?"
Like, there's a given.
There's a way to do it.
So I asked my mom Bambi.
Her name is not Bambi, we just call her that because she's a stripper, and her mom was
killed by a hunter.
But so, I said to her, I was like, "Where do companies meet up?"
I said, "Where do companies meetup?"
And she told me about the Chamber of Commerce.
And so I was just like, "Oh."
At 15, I was like, "Oh, okay I'll just call the Chamber of Commerce."
And I just...at 15, it's just an effortless flow.
I was like, "Can I get the mailing labels to the businesses?"
And they're like, "Yeah, it's 35 bucks," or whatever.
And I was like, "Cool."
And then I made a flyer.
It said, "Having a corporate party?
Looking for entertainment?
Call Kyle Cease."
And I sent it out to 500 businesses.
And at 15, I was doing corporate parties for Sears, Nintendo, Microsoft, all these companies.
And it was just the most effortless thing.
And I found the more I charged, the more I got work, the more they said yes.
And I was making a lot of money because I wasn't going the standard route that you think
that you have to take.
Like when we go, "The economy is bad."
Well, you're morons if you think that's a real thing.
Like, if you think that, you're going, "Oh, well, that means I can't get a job, and go
work as a slave for someone."
Or you go, "That's an opportunity to create anything because we have the Internet, and
you can do anything with the Internet."
So I was just like, "Okay, so how do I keep doing this?"
And so that was going on, and then at 18, they made a new rule that comics couldn't
go into comedy clubs unless you were 21.
I didn't even know that that was a problem.
I was just like, "Okay, well, I'll rent out high school theaters."
And I started renting out high school theaters, and I was making like, $10,000 a night at
like 17, 18, producing my own shows.
And the comedy clubs were paying nothing compared to that.
And so at 19, there was a casting director that was teaching an acting workshop, and
all my friends were saying to me, "You know, don't go take an acting class.
You're either an actor or you're not."
And I was like, "Yeah, but I might meet some people or whatever."
So I was kind of funny in the class, and then 2 weeks later, that casting director ended
up being the casting director for the teen movie "10 Things I Hate About You."
And so she called me in for this part, and I was just still at an age where I was oblivious
to the idea that I couldn't do this.
I completely was just, "Okay, cool."
I didn't have a headshot or a resume or all the things that you think that you need to
have to make something happen, I just went into the audition, and was just this cheesy
guy and brought in this character and did this thing.
And every time I said their line I just ended with, "That must be Nigel with the brie."
And I did this line, and the director was like, "Brilliant.
I've never seen that."
I mean, like, they just couldn't believe it.
And there were there were, like, 500 other people with resumes and agents and all those
things that you would think that you need going for it.
But I was so oblivious to the idea that I needed that, that I just ended up, two weeks
later, not only finding out that I booked the part, but they rewrote the role because
they liked what I did so much that they ended up...I had a two-week part, I ended up shooting
for six and a half weeks.
So then I was like, "Holy crap."
But here's the thing, I actually wasn't like, "Holy crap."
Everyone around me was.
Like, this is just how it works.
It's fun to me how much we have to hear, you know, there's consciousness, and there's a
spirit out there you can connect to.
If you really know that, you'll just be there.
You don't have to sit there and...
You're not reminded all day that you have an arm.
Like, it's just part of you.
You know, you don't sit there and wonder if you have an arm.
You know what I'm saying?
You don't do that.
You just are in flow.
But we're sitting here and spending all day trying to figure out if we're a part of this
thing, you know, and so that's what's getting in the way of us.
So I moved to LA, and every one of my comic friends were like, "Don't move to LA, you're
going to be back here."
And then they started listing all the people that failed in LA, and said, "This guy didn't
make it, and this guy.
You're gonna be back here," because they had proof that I won't make it because they told
me about other people who didn't know what we know.
And so, I moved to LA and two weeks into living in LA, I bumped into a guy that I shot "10
Things I Hate About You" with, and he had a friend that was shooting the movie, at the
time, "Not Another Teen Movie" which is a big teen, spoof movie.
And I just said to him, "Oh, could you get me…
Ask 'em if I could get in the movie."
Like, you know, I just...
And he was like, "What?"
And I go, "Yeah, ask 'em.
Like, tell 'em I did '10 Things I Hate About You.'
They're doing a movie that spoofing teen movies."
I said, "Tell 'em I'm in the movie, and like let me..."
And so he goes, "Okay."
So he told 'em.
Two days later, I get a call.
They go, "They want to see you on set for 'Not Another Teen Movie.'"
All I had to do was ask.
And we all know this, but it's just a reminder.
If you ask you'll get yes or no, and you'll be no worse off than if you didn't ask at
In fact, you'll be better because you know the answer.
And one time my friend, who's kind of skeptical goes, "Well, if that's the case, wouldn't
I just ask out every hot girl ever?"
Sure, why the fuck wouldn't you?
Until you're happy, yes.
Do it until you have what you want.
Like, "Oh, you're right.
So like, it's fascinating to me how many people come up with why it won't work, and they just
want to be right over happy.
And I get Not Another…
Oh, I shouldn't spoil it for you, but I'll get it.
But I go in "Not Another Teen Movie," and they're shooting the movie, and he goes, "Show
me you doing the slow clap."
The part was for a character called the slow clapper, which is a guy that always shows
up in the movie...you know, in every movie, there's a guy that's slowly clapping, and
he's getting everyone else to clap.
Well, my guy tries to show up in the movie, but it's always an inappropriate time.
So like the girl is in a fight with another person or someone died, and my guy stands
up, and it's just totally awkward.
And that was the part.
And I thought it was so funny.
And so I go into the audition and they're shooting "Not Another Teen Movie" and he goes,
"Okay, show me you doing the slow clap."
And I did this, and he goes, "Hold on a second."
And he turns away and he shoots "Not Another Teen Movie" for 45 minutes and forgot about
me, and I'm standing behind him like, "Do I have another movie?"
And so he turns and looks at me, he goes, "Oh yeah."
And he looks at the writer, goes, "What did you think?"
And the writer goes, "Oh, I love him."
And he goes, "All right, you're the slow clapper."
I didn't have an agent, and I did one clap.
That was it.
I'm glad I didn't miss.
Oh shit, like usually these hit.
So now I have two movies, two major, huge hit teen movies under my belt with no headshot,
no resume, nothing.
Which means it's not a fluke that I got the first one.
The first one you go, "Well, that might have happened…
It was just a weird, lucky thing.
That's not how life works."
Well, I got two.
I got two.
And there's people I know that doubt everything but have all those other resources that you
think you need, and didn't book things for 10 years.
It's not the things that you need.
It's not that I need the right agent, I need the right...
That's all bullshit.
And so I booked this movie, and then because of that I was like, "Well, how can I capitalize
Well, colleges you know.
College kids, that would be huge.
So I ended up doing in my 20s over 700 colleges, I've done the most colleges of any comedian
And I ended up in 2004 doing 68 colleges in a row, every single day, literally, I was
on 2 to 3 flights a day.
Because these colleges for some reason are in the middle of nowhere.
They tell these kids, "Don't drink, and don't do drugs, and don't have sex."
And they make it so they fucking have to.
Their choices are Walmart or Susie, and it's like, "Hmm…"
Both are always open.
So I'm doing this college tour, and it's absolutely insane.
I do 68 colleges in a row.
I'm living on the road partying.
I'm not eating anything but drive-through.
I'm drinking, I'm having a great time.
But at the end of the tour I had no sleep and, literally, I'm just also panicking, trying
to get to the next flight each day.
At the end of the tour, I ended up on the road getting hospitalized with pneumonia.
I almost died.
I was in Vegas, and I went through this whole thing where I was stuck, and my body had this
blood barely moving through me.
And then in 2005, I was on stage one day and I thought to myself a sabotaging thought,
because what happens in our life...when we get to a plane, if we don't keep going, you
get comfortable, and when you get comfortable, if you're not creating constantly, your mind
will creatively sabotage.
If you aren't creating constantly, your mind will constantly creatively sabotage.
It will come up with really brilliant ways to fuck you up because you're not using it.
It's just like not going to the gym.
But if I had a comedy act that was down pat, I had no reason to grow, because I'm pulling
off standing ovations, I'm doing the show.
So I could do the show word for word every night, and I could do it in my sleep, which
meant my mind had time to roam while I was on stage.
So it started thinking sabotaging thoughts.
And one day onstage, I'll never forget this.
I remember this gig so vividly.
I thought to myself, "I wonder, if you think about it enough, if you could make yourself
That was the thought I had.
And everyone who's ever had an anxiety or fear knows that it stems from a really weird
Like, it doesn't make any sense to everyone else.
You'll be like, "I just have this thing where I'm worried a penis will float in the room
and sit on my head, and I'll be named Dr. Penis-Head for four months.
And I know it doesn't make any sense."
But it's real to you.
So right when I thought, I wonder if you think about it enough, if you can make yourself
faint, I looked at my hand and I started whiting out.
So now I had proof that it could happen.
So now you have a belief, and you have proof that it works.
So I was like, "Oh, my God, I could."
And I was doing that on the stage.
And so I was linking that fear to the stage, because we link things together.
If you hear a song, and it remind you of an ex and jolts your nervous system, it's not
the song's notes that are doing that.
It's...you had an emotional connection, and the song kicked in, and so now you hear that
song and you think of her.
It's Pavlov's dog.
So I'm thinking to myself, "I wonder if you think about it enough, if you can make yourself
faint," while I'm standing on stage.
So then, I walked off stage and asked other comics, I was like, "I have this thing where
I'm worried I'm going to faint on stage."
I'm off the stage, and I'm fine.
And I'm pointing at the stage like that's the bad place.
And the comics go...and comics are dicks.
They're like, "Oh, you totally could.
You could totally."
And then they started giving me proof, "One time, Dave Chappelle fainted on stage."
And one guy goes, "You know, in the army, they can freeze our hearts down to one beat
a minute to make the enemy think they're dead."
I'm like, "Shut up.
You're killing me."
And then I would say to the girl I was dating, like, "I have this thing where I'm worried
I would faint."
And then she starts giving me love for that.
She's like, "Baby, you're not going to faint."
So now I'm associating love to worrying, and that's what we do.
You're depressed, everyone loves you.
Everyone will give you connection.
But if you become successful, you're a threat to them because they are reminded that they
So it becomes lonely in your mind because you don't realize that there's this group
and people at the top that are waiting for you, and you'll have a whole new set of friends,
but people don't realize that those friends they have to let go of.
In this one life, keep your family and choose your peers, seriously.
The people around you are going to...
They've done studies where they said, take your 10 best friends and average it out.
That's your health, your weight, your income, your everything.
If you're around 10 obese people, you're going to start eating cheese fries.
And if you're around 10 health nuts, you're going to start eating organic cheese fries.
But if you're around 10 millionaires, you'll start to see it's easy to make money.
If you're around 10 broke asses, you'll hear why it's impossible.
So you'll start moving from that way.
So I started to worry, and then I got love for it.
And then this started getting worse and worse and worse.
I would go on stage and I would think worse thoughts.
And I got to a point where I was literally crying before I went on stage.
And so it got really, really bad.
Also my identity is that I'm a comedian.
Do you know what I mean by that?
I was the chubby kid in high school.
I book a teen movie, I'm on stage a lot, and that's when everybody loves me.
So for 10 years, I didn't even feel worthy of talking to people until they knew that
I was a stand-up comic.
Like I'd be on a plane with someone and be like, "Oh yeah, when I had my comedy career..."
And, "Oh, you're a comic?"
Now I felt worthy of it.
How much do you think that would affect my relationships when eventually we get through
the bullshit, and eventually she knows the real me, and I don't feel worthy of having
that girl or anything because like she just knows the comedian?
We do that with everything, my income.
I'm my income.
That's why a lot of times people that lose millions of dollars will be more suicidal
than people that just never had the money because they don't think they're that identity.
If you think you are you are your body, you're gonna be sad when you lose it.
If you think you are, you're not.
You're just this moment.
So I got worse and worse.
And then while I was at the height of it, I booked my first "Comedy Central" appearance
with three months notice.
And my manager goes, "Don't blow it."
So what do you think is the first thing I thought?
I'm gonna faint on the "Comedy Central" thing, which will ruin my comedy career, my one chance
to make it, because that's what I believed.
This is my one chance.
I worked for 15 years at this point, and here I am and I'm going to faint on "Premium Blend"
on this "Comedy Central" show.
So my mind started literally coming up with all these sabotaging ways, and really seeing
And I thought, if that happens, it'll ruin my life.
So this is when I started to get kind of suicidal, and I started really getting close to killing
myself and really fantasizing about that.
And it got to a point where literally I would wake up in the morning, I would worry all
day and picture other people fainting.
It was the craziest thing.
I would just...
Every person I saw walking, like, "How are they doing that?"
Like, it was like really weird.
And I got to the day where I did "Premium Blend," and the plane landed in New York.
And I remember I had escalated this so much that I would stand in the airport, and I would
be walking through the airport holding on to, you know, the stuff here, the suitcase
And I was now at a point where I've escalated this to even farther and farther.
So I go on stage and I do my "Premium Blend," Damon Wayans introduces me.
And I go on stage.
And the only thing I'm thinking is, "Don't faint.
That's literally all I'm thinking.
I'm holding the mic like this, my legs are turned in.
And I did an eight-minute set in six minutes because I had flown through the material so
I walk off stage.
The girl that I'm dating at the time goes...
Comedy Central goes, "That was so good," even though inside I was in hell.
They go, "That was so good, we're going to give you your own half-hour special."
The girl I'm dating at the time goes, "Oh, shit."
And I go, "What?"
And she goes, "Now I'm going to hear you worry about that for the next three months."
So the next day after the breakup, what happened...I picked up a Tony Robbins book, and one of
the things it said was, "You can't think of two things at the same time."
My problem with the fainting was, I thought, "I can't stop thinking about this."
But the truth is, you can't think of two things at the same time if you choose to put your
focus on one of them.
So I realized that my mind was bored and coming up with all this "don't faint" thing, so I
needed to replace the thought with what I do want, completely.
But my mind wants that challenge so much that I need to make it like what Vishen was saying,
something completely unrealistic.
So I said this, "How can I have the number one "Comedy Central" special, the highest
rated "Comedy Central" special?"
Now realize at this time Dane Cook was out, Larry the Cable Guy, all these people had
And I'm sitting there saying, how can I have the number one special?
So literally the next morning I did some physiology movements and all this stuff that I learned
from different seminars, and I did what I called taking my mind to the gym.
I literally started picturing that I had the number one "Comedy Central" special.
I would hold on to it, and I would wake up at six in the morning and dance around the
house and be like, "You have the number one "Comedy Central" special," and I would keep
And while I was holding that, my mind started offering visions of my favorite gigs that
I ever had.
It goes, "Remember when you did this show at FSU, you did three and a half hours."
And then I started channeling that, and my mind started thinking it was there.
And I looked back at the anxiety within 10 minutes, and it was already gone.
The anxiety I had for three months, I'd broken it because I realized I had overcome it.
So then I was like, "Holy shit, how good can this get?"
So I kept going, and every hour...I did an hour a day of doing that.
It got down to the day of the "Comedy Central" taping, I get to New York, I feel amazing,
there's cameras all over me, 2-balcony theater, and it's 30 seconds time on stage, and I'm
with my manager, and I looked at him, and I go, "Did I ever tell you about the time
that I performed at the Fair Haven bar in Bellingham?"
I just felt like channeling a no-pressure gig, because you know that when you think
about something, your mind doesn't know the difference between what you're thinking about
and what's actually happening.
So I realized that when I'm in that bar, or I'm just running material in the bathroom,
or if I'm on stage at "Comedy Central," I'm not physically doing anything different.
I'm just deciding my surroundings are different.
Do you get what I'm saying?
So when you're talking to Obama or your mom, it shouldn't make you any different because
it's what you're feeling internally.
So I started to…
Can I go a couple more minutes to just finished this.
I'm sorry, I know that...
It's funny because last night I was like, "Should I put this shit in here and then leave
them with a cliffhanger?"
So I'm backstage with my manager, and I go, "I want to tell you about the time I performed
at the Fair Haven bar in Bellingham."
So I start, 30 seconds left, and I go, I tell him.
I go, "I'm backstage at the bar, and they go, 'Kyle Ceases is here from 10 Things I
Hate About You.'"
And I told him, and I said, "I took the crowd," and I said, "I felt like I took the crowd
and I put it in a duffel bag, and I flew it around."
And while I'm doing saying that, they're going, "Five, four, three.
From New York City, 'Comedy Central' presents Kyle Cease."
And I looked at my manager and I said, "I'll tell you the rest in a second."
And I went out on stage, and I saw the audience, and I felt the exact same I did in that no-pressure
And I just started doing my material in the order that I usually do it, even though "Comedy
Central" wanted me to do it with their teleprompter-y [SP], you know, we had an agreement with this,
and they said, "Don't do any crowd work."
But if you watched me last night, fuck that.
So I'm doing my act on stage the way I do it, and the teleprompter is trying to follow
Eventually, it was just a question mark and a guy going, "What the hell?"
And so I do my act my way, and I start doing crowd work on "Comedy Central" on my special.
My heart knew to do it even though it's against the rules completely.
I finish the show, roaring standing ovation, the only one of that year, and it was the
number one "Comedy Central" special, it was the highest rated "Comedy Central" special
And I'll tell you this one part, and then I'm going to go.
But the biggest thing after that was when that happened, I said, "Holy shit, there's
a matrix that I just got out of.
How good can this get?"
So in 2009…
This is the last thing I'll tell you.
"Comedy Central" put out there 100 favorite comedians, and they said they wanted the public
to vote on it.
Now this list was insane.
This list had everyone you can think of that's the greatest.
I mean, like, huge, huge household-name comics.
And this was the question I had, "How can I win this?"
Now, what Vishen said earlier about what and why, I completely agree with.
Those two I already had down.
I had gotten those three, and I was like, "How can I?"
Because when you say, "how can you," it's a given you can.
So I said, "How can I win The Stand-Up Showdown?
How can I get the most votes?"
And my mind came up with immediately, "What if you did a podcast where you thanked everyone
who voted for you in the showdown by name?"
And then my mind goes, "Okay."
So I went on Myspace and Facebook, and I said, "Vote for me in the stand-up showdown, and
I'll thank you by name."
The next day, 400 people wrote me.
So I did this motivational, inspirational podcast because I wanted to Trojan horse some
positivity into these dumb-shits.
And then at the end, I said, I'd like to thank the following people, "And I literally listed
And people would be like, "Dude, why are you doing that?
Are you crazy?
That's like 20 minutes."
You're right, that could have been a sitcom that I could have watched almost, or I could
make 400 fans for life, and every time I sell a CD there's 400 sold.
There's 400 more YouTube hits, all those things.
So the next day, I said at the end of that, I'm gonna do this again tomorrow.
And I knew those people's friends would listen.
So I thanked, the next day, 800 names.
And the first day I did it, I went from 18th to 8th place, and there was still 2 weeks
left in the contest.
So the next day, I did 800.
Bam, 7th place.
Pulled ahead of Dane Cook.
Next day, 6th place, 5th place.
I was thanking 1,600...literally 2,000, 3,000 names.
The last week, it's myself and Jeff Dunham.
This is the last part.
Last week, it's myself and Jeff Dunham.
Jeff Dunham had a new "Comedy Central" special coming out, a new TV show.
So "Comedy Central" wanted him to win.
So they pulled my special off in the last week, and they put like 15 Jeff Dunham specials
on to get the crowd to vote.
And they said vote for Jeff Dunham in the "Comedy Central Stand-Up Showdown" at every
And I thought, "Wow, that's the first time I've had enough power that I've just changed
national television's programming."
You get what I'm saying?
It's not a problem, it's what we do with it.
So I told...my fans were worried like crazy, and I said, "Listen, it's not a problem, it's
what you do with it.
It's just a test to see how bad we want it.
Everything in your life is a test to see how bad you want it."
You want the ultimate relationship, but your friend has tickets to the Playboy Mansion,
that's a test to see how bad you want it.
Anyone else having this problem?
So the last week Jeff Dunham and I are neck and neck, and the last night they ran four
more Jeff Dunham specials, and the following Sunday is when you find out who is number
They ran the specials all day on "Comedy Central", literally, 20, 19, 18.
And then I got a call from the East Coast, that Jeff Dunham was in second place.
And I got first place in 2 weeks with 238,000 votes.
And I just say that because I want you to know you are so unbelievably unlimited.
You're so unlimited.
And if you just say, "How can I?" after you say the what and the why, I promise you, if
you want it, you can have it.
It is so fucking easy.
Just go get it.
It is so simple.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for letting me go long, too.
I can't wait to see Lisa.