Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Kevin Hart Vs. Jamie Foxx Roast Battle

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- [Speedy] Say who we have here.

- [Johnny] Kevin Hart.

- [Speedy] We have a --

- [Kevin] Get it right.

- [Speedy] International pancake star.

(all laugh)

- [Johnny] A fruity not so fruity.

- [Claudia] And he hail from way

a three Yellow Pages phone books.

- [Kevin] Hey listen, I tell you what

if we can say anything, it can be as tough as it want

but I give myself the proper introduction.

Kevin Hart, aka K Hart, aka Chocolate Drop,

Long Face Little Body.

That's what I go by and if any of y'all --

- [Speedy] How many names you got?

- [Kevin] That's all I had.

I didn't think of another nickname yet, Speedy.

- [Claudia] Is that all that's long?

- [Kevin] Hey I don't want no alcohol.

- [Claudia] Is your face?

Lady said, "Is that all that's long?"

Is your face?

- [Kevin] No, honestly, my dick ain't a game.

You can ask around.

Honestly, I probably got in the top two biggest dicks

in the United States of America.

(all laugh)

- [Speedy] With a magnifying glass

and tweezers.

- [Kevin] No, real shit.

Real, real talk.

Everybody else is laughing.

- [Claudia] Okay ladies and gentleman across America,

in this corner, in the green shirt,

standing at an amazing --

- [Kevin] 5'5.

- [Claudia] 5'4 1/2" tall, weighing in at 117 pounds,

black as the night is dark, Kevin Hart!

(crowd cheers)

- [Johnny] Nigga you just described

a swap meet mannequin.

- [Claudia] And in the black corner,

one murder, one conviction away from 25 to life.

(all laugh)

He is three years in arrears of child support,

he's got four children by three baby mamas --

- [Johnny] You Goddamn right.

- [Claudia] Johnny, oh, and I think

he just got syphilis again,

Johnny motherfucking Mack!

- [Speedy] Get it, Johnny.

- [Johnny] I'm not gonna let you slide, Claudia.

I'm gonna let you slide with that.

Fuck Kevin Hart and all your movies,

and fuck The Big House, I heard

they shot it in a Barbie Doll house.

- [Kevin] That's it?

That's your first one?

- [Johnny] Yeah, nigga.

- [Kevin] You look like --

- [Johnny] How you doing radio in black face?

- [Kevin] Hey listen --

(all laugh)

You look like one of Mike Vick dogs that lost.

(all laugh)

You look like a old fucking pit bull.

- [Johnny] I heard you sit on Michael Jackson lap

with your back pockets cut out.

(all laugh)

- [Kevin] Nigga, why do your eyebrows,

why your eyebrows look like Speedy goatee?

- [Jamie] Okay four to one,

four to one, Johnny Mack four to one.

- [Kevin] That's three!

- [Johnny] I heard you got poster of Prince

in your bedroom with the mouth cut out.

(all laugh)

- [Kevin] Why does everything you do go

to gay shit, Johnny?

We know you were in jail, we know what you did,

let that shit go.

- [Johnny] Okay, minus one for sensitivity.

Minus one for sensitivity, nigga.

- [Kevin] They can't go to sensitivity.

- [Jamie] Alright, 5-0.

- [Johnny] I can say whatever I wanna say.

- [Kevin] You can't go. You can't keep going to the same --

- [Johnny] I heard your mama milk cat titties.

(all laugh)

- [Jamie] 6-0.

- [Kevin] Nigga your mom got leather hands,

and she wipe her face and don't nothing

but oil come off.

Nothing?

That's a good one.

- [Jamie] Swing and a miss on that one.

- [Kevin] That's close that's nothing good right there?

- [Johnny] Your mama is so black and nasty

they use her bath water to dye bowling balls.

(few laugh)

- [Kevin] Okay, let's all let that go.

Let's let that go.

- [Jamie] So we'll make that 5-0.

- [Kevin] That's gotta be minus two,

and you're using old snaps.

Snap with me, don't go to fuckin' snaps.

- [Johnny] You can't tell me what to do!

- [Kevin] Your face is old and your body is nasty --

- [Johnny] Nigga, you don't even have a body.

- [Kevin] Listen, I don't need a body,

but I'll tell you what, your body

is not enough body for enough women,

does that make sense to you?

- No. - If it doesn't,

it's not me, it's the Patron.

- [Johnny] You've got the body of a woman.

- [Kevin] What chu say?

- [Johnny] You've got the body of a woman.

- [Kevin] Nigga, your dreadlocks stink.

Your forehead is small, you look like a baby shoe.

That's what you look like.

(all laugh)

You look like a brown baby shoe, nigga.

You look like a caramel snookit.

- [Johnny] Nigga your jokes are so bad,

it's throwing me the fuck off, nigga.

(all laugh)

- [Kevin] Cause you snappin'!

At least I'mma snap at chu.

Johnny, anybody can do this nigga,

"Your mom so dumb, I told her to take the six bus,

"she go to the three bus twice."

That's what you doing.

- [Johnny] I wouldn't have said that.

- [Kevin] Stop showing your age!

- [Claudia] I think this is a draw!

- [Johnny] I wouldn't have said that one.

- [Kevin] Stop showing your age and snap at me,

me and you supposed to have a fuckin' problem.

- [Jamie] Hey Kevin --

- [Johnny] You are really fuckin' it up!

- [Kevin] How's that sensitive, cause I'm loud?

- [Johnny] Yeah, like I said, Scary Movie 4 or something.

- [Kevin] You know what?

(all laugh)

You know what, I'm gonna show you how hype I am.

Fuck Jamie too, and that nasty ass --

- Alright. - Woah!

(multiple people speaking at once)

- [Speedy] That is the owner and --

- [Jamie] Any nigga that ain't no bigger than a clit

can't talk about me. (all laugh)

Nigga I'll play wit chu and make you wet yourself.

(all laugh)

I'm gonna tell you like this, Kevin Hart --

- [Kevin] They showed your football stats!

- [Jamie] I ain't got to say shit

about playing sports in school.

- [Kevin] They showed football stats.

- [Jamie] Cause you didn't play in school.

- [Kevin] I got Varsity, ninth through twelfth.

- [Jamie] What was your locker number, quick.

- [Kevin] Locker number, what?

(all laugh)

- [Jamie] What was your jersey number, quick.

What was it, nigga?

- [Kevin] Number five!

- [Jamie] Yeah yeah, and what did chu do?

What position did you play? - Nigga, point guard.

Point guard. - Point guard?

(multiple people speaking at once)

- [Kevin] I averaged 10 points, seven assists, ninth grade.

Tenth grade -- - You play football too?

- [Kevin] Eight assists.

- [Jamie] We played football,

that's how we do sports.

- [Kevin] I didn't play football.

- [Jamie] We can do all sports, nigga.

- [Kevin] I don't play football.

- [Claudia] Did you run track?

- [Johnny] You didn't play corner?

- [Jamie] God damn jockey.

(all laugh)

- [Speedy] Nigga came over here in a backpack.

- [Jamie] Now look --

- [Claudia] Jockey of the year, 1989.

- [Jamie] The motherfucker 40 and 140, how much

did you weigh when you were 15?

(all laugh)

- [Kevin] Ay (laughs).

- [Johnny And Speedy] 15 (laughs).

- [Speedy] "And starting at foetus."

(all laugh)

(multiple people speaking at once)

- [Kevin] Nigga I've always been solid, dude.

It's me, I been solid. - How much did you weigh

in school, Kevin Hart? - In school?

I probably was like maybe --

- [Johnny] 187.

- [Jamie] Nah nigga, how much did you weigh

in school, for real?

- [Kevin] I'm twenty-fuckin'-eight,

in school, that's not that long ago.

- [Jamie] Nigga, you not no 28 nigga.

- I'm 28! - Nigga no way.

- [Kevin] If I didn't lose, you know what was fucked up?

- [Jamie] Nigga, it's no way, nigga.

Yo hands alone look about 45.

How old are you? - Jamie, Jamie --

- [Jamie] How old are you?

I'm 40.

- [Kevin] Jamie, I know you got some age on you,

I know you got some age on you.

- [Jamie] I know that.

- [Kevin] Your old face ass, you just as fuckin' old.

Yeah, I said it. (all laugh)

Old face, listen (laughs).

This black-mouth bastard --

- [Johnny] Black banana (laughs).

- [Kevin] Black-mouth ass Foxx.

- [Jamie] But only my face is black.

Only my lips is black, yo whole body black like this.

- [Kevin] Man, cause I'm dark-skinned, two-tone hands.

- [Jamie] That's why you can't get no work.

(all laugh)

Cause you too dark! - I'm working!

(multiple people speaking at once)

- [Jamie] When they cast for Roots again,

you might get a chance to play Kunta Kinte.

It's the 2000 millennium. - How about we say this?

- [Claudia] Are you saying he'd make a great slave?

- [Kevin] I bet this, I bet we'll be able to tell

Jamie real age is he stop colouring his hairline.

(all laugh)

- [Jamie] All I gotta do is rub the back of yo neck!

- [Kevin] How you gon' have a Caesar, and still got it?

Nigga, you got a black toupee,

with a Caesar, nigga!

You draw your hair.

- [Jamie] Look, I got more talent in my Caesar,

than you have -- (all laugh)

How about that?

You should rub up against this hairline, and get a movie.

(all laugh)

Hey you know what, how about I let you borrow some of this?

And maybe somebody might, you

wanna get a autograph from you maybe.

(all laugh)

Or how about this, while I drive out --

- [Kevin] Why you gettin' mad?

- [Jamie] Why don't you sit on the front of my car?

(all laugh)

- [Johnny] You hood ornament!

- [Jamie] You hood ornament mawfucka!

- [Kevin] Now you can't say get a movie,

because you know I'm fuckin' working.

- [Jamie] Where you workin' at?

- [Kevin] I'm working Jamie, I'm doing a movie

right now, too, I'm filming right now.

I'm constantly fuckin' working, we know that.

- [Jamie] Is it sad?

It's gotta be sad.

- [Claudia] Can't be non-union.

- [Jamie] Yeah, it can't be non-union.

- [Kevin] It can't be non-union?

- [Jamie] You gotta have craft service.

- [Kevin] I guarantee, I bet they won't hire Jamie

they more they figure out where his hairline really starts.

Bet money, let's all bet money right now.

- [Jamie] I bet they will do this.

- [Kevin] Why you hit me?

Why you hittin' me? - What you talkin' about?

- [Kevin] You just hit me!

(all laugh)

You just hit me. - Puffy!

(all laugh)

- [Jamie] Hairline or no hairline, still beats movie career.

- [Kevin] Let me tell you something dude,

I can see your brain through your big ass nostrils.

- [Jamie] That's because you can see my nuts

from where you standing, too.

(all laugh)

- [Kevin] Damn!

- [Jamie] Why don't you do something wit em?

- [Speedy] Hey Kevin Hart, how much gum is under this table?

(all laugh)

- [Jamie] Keep coming with it!

- [Speedy] You fish tank living motherfucker.

- [Kevin] Speedy, stop trying to jump in

because other people are doing good,

we can always hit chu, I can always go back to you

and change the whole subject.

Shut up Speedy, and let us finish this fuckin' bout.

- [Speedy] Yeah, just get in the fish tank.

- [Jamie] Kidney built mawfucka.

(all laugh)

- [Kevin] You mad I hit chu, the hair hit chu.

Yes it did, the hair fuckin' hit chu.

You didn't like the hair.

- [Jamie] What are you talkin' about?

- [Kevin] Cause I told people about your hair,

you didn't like it.

You and Steve Harvey go to the same nigga.

(all laugh and clap)

- [Claudia] Don't forget Chico, Ben, and them.

(all laugh)

- [Kevin] Hey!

We throwin' blows baby!

(all laugh)

- [Jamie] I'll put it to you this way,

I could actually use you as a toupee.

(all laugh)

- [Kevin] I'm just tryna get my fucking respect, that's all.

- [Johnny] Well you'll never work again.

- [Claudia] Impossible.

- [Johnny] You'll never work with us.

(all laugh)

Forget about it, once you leave here --

- [Jamie] You better get it all in today.

- [Johnny] We gon' make some phone calls, nigga.

- [Claudia] We disrespect everybody.

- [Jamie] And we was gonna be doing this

nice little sketch show, it was might gonna hire you.

- [Kevin] Stop fuckin' hitting me, Jamie.

You tryna hit me, stop tryna punk me

in front of these people because I'm smaller than you.

- [Jamie] Ain't that about a bitch?

I didn't know whether to hit chu or jack you off,

you about the size of my ding-a-ling.

(all laugh)

I was just gonna grab you by ya head and just make you cum.

(all laugh)

Penis-built mawfucka. (all laugh)

Get all the hair jokes in right now,

because you'll never work.

- [Kevin] I'm already workin',

I told you, your hair hit chu.

The hair hit chu, I knew it would.

I knew it would get you, yes it would.

You got more hair on your moustache

than on your fuckin' head.

- [Jamie] Ain't that about a --

(all laugh)

I got more hair on my nuts than --

(all laugh)

- [Kevin] I believe it!

You probably dye that too, you fuckin' balding motherfucka.

(all laugh)

- [Jamie] Get em all in right now.

Get em all right in right now. (all laugh)

- [Claudia] Another one for Kevin.

(multiple people speak at once)

Are there any current events you guys wanna?

- [Jamie] Oh, he's done!

- [Johnny] He's gonna check in his midget magazine.

- [Kevin] Hey Johnny, why don't you

cut one of your dreads off so Jamie

can use it as his hairline.

(all laugh)

(Kevin imitates a gunshot)

- [Claudia] And another one for Kevin.

- [Johnny] That's a good one.

- [Speedy] You better enjoy this day,

because we not even recording right now.

(multiple people speaking at once)

We not even recording right now.

- [Claudia] This hilarious.

- [Kevin] We are fuckin' recording, Speedy.

Stop looking for something to say, Speedy.

Nobody wants to talk to you.

Shut your face. (all laugh)

- [Claudia] This is a very mean--

- [Jamie] Oh no, you got it in today.

- [Speedy] Strawberry patch living motherfucker.

- [Kevin] Time out, everybody be quiet,

Speedy said something.

Say it again, Speedy.

- [Speedy] Go ahead on, my man.

- [Kevin] Jesus, Speedy,

- [Speedy] Small man, go ahead on.

- [Kevin] I've never seen a joke not work

as much, like what the fuck is you doing, man?

(all laugh) Like when you say it,

I know in your mind you know it's not gonna work,

and you still say the shit, Speedy.

You might be the worst funny guy I've ever --

- [Speedy] No I'm not nigga.

You got mirrors at your house so no I'm not, fuck you.

- [Kevin] Everybody be quiet.

- [Jamie] Don't take that Speedy, don't take that.

- [Speedy] Don't worry about me Foxx, I got him.

- [Kevin] No you don't have me, Speedy.

- [Speedy] Chromium head motherfucker,

go say what chu gotta say, go ahead on.

- [Claudia] You can do it, Speedy.

- [Kevin] I just wanna let that one die some more.

Say again? (all laugh)

"Chromium head?"

"You chromium head motherfucker."

Chromium? - I like that one.

- [Kevin] That's the one you gon' stick with.

- [Speedy] I'm just gonna roll with that one.

- [Jamie] Come on Speedy, don't let him get it.

(multiple people speaking at once)

- [All] Speedy, Speedy!

- [Jamie] Don't let this little monkey get us.

Don't let Whoopi Goldberg's clit get us.

(all laugh)

- [Claudia] Attack him like you attack those fat bitches.

(all laugh)

- [Jamie] Don't let him get us, Speedy.

- [Kevin] I intimidate fuckin' Speedy.

All I'm sayin' is I came here,

I talked, I stood, and I lived.

- [Johnny] You didn't stand, you

flaccid dick havin' motherfucker.

- [Jamie] I still smell my nuts on yo forehead.

You didn't stand. - We gon' tea bag

you after this nigga.

- [Kevin] Woah, what?

What was that, what the fuck was that?

- [Jamie] He went to some prison shit!

- [Kevin] Nigga what was it, "we gonna tea bag him?"

- [Johnny] I'm sorry, Kevin Hart.

You bring out the beast in me.

(all laugh)

- [Kevin] "We gon' tea bag you."

God damn.

(multiple people speaking at once)

- [Jamie] How dare you say that Steve Harvey's hairline?

That's not right.

- [Claudia] Are you tryna say --

- [Johnny] That's not Steve Harvey's hair.

- [Kevin] I'm tryna say that Steve Harvey's --

- [Johnny] That's a cupcake on that nigga's head.

- [Kevin] If you hit Steve in the back of the head,

guarantee that shit on top fly off, bet money.

- [Johnny] Nah, we got super glue on that shit.

- [Jamie] I'm not gonna sit and let you

talk about my friend Steve Harvey.

- [Kevin] Steve Harvey is my friend as well,

but shit is shit, dude!

That hair, you know what the fuck it is, it's not real.

- [Claudia] Are you sayin' it's a wig or?

- [Kevin] I'm sayin' it's a fuckin' mushroom --

- [Johnny] It's a black cupcake on that nigga's head, nigga.

It's a Twinkie on that nigga's forehead.

- [Jamie] I'm not gonna sit here and let chu talk about --

- [Johnny] Fuck Steve Harvey and his teeth!

(all laugh)

- [Claudia] Wow.

- [Johnny] Him and 50 Cent got the same smile, nigga.

- [Jamie] No we not gonna do that,

you better get it in today.

- [Johnny] Come on in there.

- [Kevin] I'm getting it in.

- [Johnny] Ant eye private eye.

- [Jamie] Give it up for Kevin Hart.

- [Kevin] See that's what I'm talkin' about.

- [Johnny] I'm not bagging on you man,

I'm not bagging on you!

- [Kevin] You stop and give it up for Kevin Hart!

- [Speedy] Yeah, Kevin Hart, you blackened

catfish looking mawfucka.

- [Kevin] Speedy, I would tell you to clap,

but you gon' sweat you fat bitch.

Johnny Mack, Johnny Mack, you're known

for being the best friend in LA.

That's all you are.

- Oh shit. - Wow.

- [Kevin] You're a famous best friend.

Yeah that hurt, that's a good one.

- [Claudia] That hurt.

- [Kevin] You and Dave Brown are notorious

for being behind somebody.

(all gasp)

We gonna hit?

Y'all say, "We don't give a fuck."

So we don't give a fuck.

- [Johnny] Well who's your best friend, nigga?

- [Kevin] I'll tell you what nigga,

if Jamie walk right now, and stop,

I guarantee your face hit his ass,

that's how close you are. (all cheer)

Let's bet on that.

- [Johnny] And your face would be in Kadeem Hartigan's ass.

- [Kevin] Who? What?

What'd chu say?

- [Johnny] That was a good joke.

- [Kevin] What, say it again?

- [Johnny] That was a good joke.

- [Kevin] Say it again.

- [Johnny] That was funnier than Soul Plane.

- [Kevin] You can't keep reiterating the same shit.

- [Johnny] As long as they keep showing it, I bring it up.

- [Kevin] The Jamie shit hurt chu.

- No it didn't. - Yes it did.

That shook you up right now.

Nigga listen, they say you don't even spot Jamie,

you just whisper in his ear when he lift,

just tell him, "He can do it."

(all laugh)

- [Jamie] Johnny Mack, don't chu run from me!

- [Johnny] Lemme think, hold on.

Let me get to thinking, I thought it was over.

- [Kevin] You can do it.

(bell rings) - One for Kevin.

- [Kevin] One, that was like four!

(multiple people speaking at once)

- [Claudia] I'm sorry baby, I meant one more.

("Gonna Fly Now" by Ayn Robbins & Bill Conti)

- [Kevin] I just wanna close out strong.

- [Johnny] One more.

- [Kevin] I hit chu with a lot, that hurt chu.

You didn't like none of that.

- [Johnny] No, I don't like you.

- [Kevin] Of course you don't like me now,

you gonna punch me in the mouth when we leave.

(all laugh)

- [Johnny] I don't fight kids.

(all laugh)

- Bullshit. - I only fight grown-ups.

- [Kevin] I bet if Jamie fought me,

you'd be right behind punchin'.

- [All] Oh!

(Kevin imitates a gunshot)

- [Kevin] "Get em off me Kevin."

I did! (all laugh)

- [Johnny] Fuck you and your midget chest, nigga.

- [Kevin] Shake em off nigga!

I got chu now.

That receding ass hairline, nigga.

- [Johnny] Look at your motherfuckin' hairline, nigga!

- [Kevin] How you got dreadlocks

and that shit still far back, nigga?

You look like Robocop, when he took off his mask.

(multiple people speaking at once)

Nothing, well I fall off, I know when to quit.

You don't think I know when to quit,

nigga I know when to shut the fuck up.

Well, what's up with TI?

What's going on with that? (all laugh)

Boy, I tell you that's crazy,

that nigga is losing it!

What we gon' do about this, we gon' go to the rally?

(all laugh)

Speedy, what chu think we should do?

- [Speedy] Go to the rally, let's go to the rally.

(multiple people speaking at once)

- [Kevin] I know where my bullets are going nigga.

- [Johnny] My gun is empty nigga.

- [Kevin] So this is Foxxhole, huh?

This is good shit man. (all laugh)

I'm happy for you Jamie, this is a beautiful thing nigga,

God is good when you do what chu supposed to in life.

So when y'all play going?

I'mma go to the play, fuck that,

this is good shit nigga.

Everybody's here, okay, in the box.

I'm supporting it.

- [Claudia] Out The Box, Out The Box.

- [Kevin] That's what I was sayin', Out The Box.

- [Jamie] Kevin Hart, you did your thing.

You came back, brother.

- [Claudia] He's a sweetheart, too.

- [Kevin] I'mma nice guy.

- [Johnny] Faggot.

- [Kevin] I fuck with Johnny Mack,

that's my nigga.

- [Johnny] I love Kevin Hart!

- [Kevin] That's my nigga.

Hands down, I fuck with Johnny Mack.

- [Speedy] Soft lil niggas.

- [Kevin] Speedy, why don't chu get the rest of ya hat,

before you start talkin' to me?

I hate that hat nigga, that shit is horrible.

- [Speedy] Where you get these extra small shirts at?

And it's tucked in like a --

- [Kevin] Don't nobody say nothing,

just everybody be quiet for a second.

- [Johnny] Speedy been doing that joke

since the 80's.

The Description of Kevin Hart Vs. Jamie Foxx Roast Battle