(trash can lid closes)
-But... -Say hello to the Grinder XXX.
Brews coffee so strong, it almost feels wrong.
There's something I really want to ask you about. Do you--
Well, there's something I need to tell you about.
This baby makes every kind of coffee drink there is.
Every kind of coffee drink?
Every kind of coffee drink.
♪ There's a latte and, of course, a cappuccino ♪
♪ An Americano and a Mocha Frappuccino ♪
♪ Let us not forget, oh, the caffè macchiato ♪
♪ And I would be remiss to miss the creamy affogato ♪
♪ Cop a cortado and sip an antoccino ♪
♪ Follow it up with some sweet espressino ♪
♪ How about a flat white or a sharp black ♪
-♪ Substitute soy if you'd like that ♪ -♪ I like that ♪
♪ An espresso Romano or a ristretto ♪
♪ Vanilla Pinocchio or caramel Geppetto ♪
♪ Vibrato, staccato ♪
♪ Potato, potahto ♪
♪ You've won the lotto ♪
♪ A gelato roboto ♪
♪ Pour some ♪
♪ Coffee on me ♪
♪ Well, not on me, but in me ♪
♪ And in my mouth preferably ♪
♪ I only want to drink it ♪
♪ Pour some ♪
♪ Coffee on me ♪
♪ In fact, here's a cup you can pour it in ♪
♪ Because the pour it on me thing is just an expression ♪
♪ Let me pour you a fresh doppio ♪
♪ Over a chile relleno portfolio ♪
♪ Or you might prefer a pistachio mustachio ♪
♪ Cardio scenario on your patio ♪
♪ If you're in the mood for a mochaccino ♪
♪ I suggest you go for a Filipino casino ♪
♪ I'm gonna add a Maraschino jalapeño ♪
♪ To this hot Latino Tarantino ♪
♪ Pour some ♪
♪ Coffee on me ♪
♪ I still think you haven't heard me ♪
♪ If you actually pour it on me, then it's gonna burn me ♪
♪ Pour some ♪
♪ Coffee on me ♪
♪ Just put the coffee away please ♪
♪ Put it away ♪
♪ Seriously, I am no longer in the mood. ♪
-Yeah, I don't like coffee. -But you like the smell.
Well, I love the smell. Who doesn't love the smell?
Right, and smell is 80% of taste, and if you round up,
you're gonna enjoy this coffee maker just as much as me.
Probably more, 'cause smelling
is easier than tasting. But you know what?
I'm only gonna make you pay a third, just like Glen.
Glen, our third roommate.
Yeah, that was probably Glen.
He really likes hot showers.
-What? -He also likes to take out the trash
and he's big into toast.
Well, when were you planning on telling me about this guy?
Well, I was gonna wait for it to come up naturally,
-and, whoop-de-do, here we are. -How long has he been here?
Uh, he was here when I moved in, so, uh, at least nine years.
Nine years? Well, who is this guy? What's he like?
You know, I don't think we've ever actually spoken,
but he's never complained about that.
You've lived with a guy for almost a decade
and you don't know anything about him?
(chuckles): That's pretty self-absorbed.
It's called boundaries.
See? This is a boundary.
Well, I think we should knock on this boundary
so I can meet who the crap I'm living with.
His name might not be Glen.
Why do you call him Glen?
He seems like a Glen.
But you've never talked to him.
He has a Glen-ish presence.
But his name could be anything?
What are the chances it's Rahim?
I think we should just go in there.
What did I say about boundaries, Link?
-It is "Link," right? -He's not responding.
He could be choking on something.
He had toast for breakfast, and toast is really dry.
Dagmar's choking on toast!
Okay, so he exited out the window.
Nothing out of the ordinary in here.
Are you serious? Look at this place, dude.
There's jars of bugs everywhere.
Yeah, he collects larva.
He's got a hobby. Shows character.
He's digging a well in his bedroom.
You don't know that. Maybe he's filling in a well.
Why do you always jump to the worst possible conclusions?
Then explain this letter he wrote.
"I have Timmy.
"If all goes according to plan,
I'll return him to you safely."
It seems like he's got this under control.
I think Timmy's gonna be fine.
I'm calling the cops.
How could you not be freaked out by this?
Oh, I'll tell you what freaks me out.
I saw this documentary about how much CO2
is released by sparkling water.
It's enough to fill ten balloons.
Hello? Uh, I think my roommate's a serial killer.
Yes, I can hold.
Sí, I can hold in Spanish.
Uh, looks like he's heading to a store called Wartime Funtime.
Oh, hi, yes.
Uh-huh, a serial killer.
There's a two week waiting list for serial killer reports?
Okay, so now can we get back to how much
you owe me for the coffee maker?
No, we got to save Timmy.
We got to tail this guy to Wartime Funtime.
What's he look like?
You don't know what he looks like, do you?
He's a private guy. I like to respect
a private guy's privacy.
We can just check the tapes
on my surveillance system.
You also have a surveillance system
you haven't told me about?
It's nothing that should concern you.
-(taps key) -Cam one is for my food reviews.
I like to keep a visual record.
Plus, I'm a beautiful chewer, don't you think?
-Hmm. -Cam two is pointed directly at cam one
-because cam one was very expensive. -Redundancy.
Cam three is pointed directly at cam two for the same reason
that cam two is pointed directly at cam one.
I prefer double-dundancy.
And what's cam four?
That's a motion sensitive one
I keep pointed at the top bunk.
You watch me sleep?
Only if you're moving.
-Or if the fan is on. -(gasps)
What was that?
T-That was him. Back...
Back it up.
RHETT: Man, look at that form.
I'm almost jealous of that taco.
LINK: And... pause it.
Zoom in and print that.
(door bells jingle)
So it's a Army surplus store.
Thank you for your service.
RHETT: And a clown surplus store?
Thank you for your service.
Can I help you Nancys?
Uh, actually, my name's Link and this is Rhett.
Thank you for your service.
All the thank-yous in the world
aren't gonna bring my retina back.
Well, hello there, patrons!
Hey, what do you knows?
A two-for-one special on noses
and you knows you want one. (cackles)
Stop it, you freak.
You're scaring the customers.
I don't know why I ever opened a store with you.
Why, sure, you remember.
Because of the unexpectedly large crossover
between end of times preppers
and slapstick comedy aficionados.
Oh, that's right. I remember.
I remember I was gonna take one of these noses
and shove it right up your...
Well, okay, boys, what can I dos you fors?
Is it either of your birthdays?
No. We're actually just looking for our roommate.
Yeah, and we don't know what he looks like,
but we do have this picture of the back of his head.
Let me see it.
are you sure you don't want to show it to... him?
Well, at least I can see. (laughs)
I lost my eye fighting for your freedom.
Actually, you lost it in a Weedwacker incident.
Shut up! I'll kill you right now!
I don't care anymore!
I don't care!
All right, boys.
Let me have a look-see.
I saw the back of this head leave the store
a couple of seconds ago with a squirting bow tie.
Ah, that sounds harmless.
And a special order of child-size body bags.
Well, that sounds not harmless.
But he just left?
LINK: Thank you.
-(tires squeal) -That's Glen's van.
You mean the murdery one with the license plate
that says "LUVSHELL"?
This is not over.
You got it?
Look at that clown strength.
(whines): That's right.
-(knife drops) -Oh!
Maybe I could make us a sandwich.
I could eat.
Okay. He pulled into that restaurant.
He's got to be inside.
LINK: He literally loves hell.
No, I think it means love is hell.
Like, love's hell. He's heartbroken.
Heartbroken over all the kids he's kidnapped and killed.
Well, Glen could be anybody in here.
But not us.
That does narrow it down.
What can I get for you guys?
Oh, we really don't have a lot of time, so, uh...
I'll take two of the Cornish hens,
the side of flapjacks,
the lo mein, the potatoes au gratin,
and throw in a fruit cup,
but no melon--
I don't want to see one honeydew,
'cause, honey, I honey don't do honeydew.
So, the special. Got it. And for you?
I'll just take the crackers.
For your meal?
Okay, so number 47.
You gonna finish that cracker?
Can we please look for
our serial killer roommate now?
It's probably that guy over there
with the Wartime Funtime bag.
Here you go, hons.
Oh, you can just split that
down the middle.
Split it down the middle?
I just had a packet of crackers.
It's easier this way.
Well, it might be easier to put your pants on one leg at a time,
but I don't do it 'cause it's not fair to the other leg.
-You jump into your pants? -You don't?
Guys, what do you want me to do?
If you could just itemize it, that'd be great.
Well, we don't do that.
-You don't do that? -Yeah, we don't do that.
Well, I'd like to speak with a manager.
-You don't want to do that. -LINK: I don't?
-Well, you did. -Then I do.
You should have ordered as much food as me
and it would have evened things out.
LINK: Well, all I'm saying
is that you ate enough food for a family of five.
-Yeah. -And their pet.
RHETT: Well, you could have done the same thing.
Yeah, but then I would have crashed within the hour.
MAN: Sir, I just wanted my steak well-done.
I didn't know it was an issue.
I have nothing against medium.
Or even medium-rare, it's just...
Now you're just gonna get in line and wait your turn.
MAN: I prefer well-done. It tastes better to me that way.
It's just, I-I like the texture.
I like the char, the taste, it's, it's just a preference.
"I just wanted it well-done."
I refuse to serve a steak beyond 135 degrees.
Now, little man, you're gonna know what it feels like
to be well-done. (laughs)
No, please don't. Please don't.
No, please, no, no, no. Please, no!
-No, please. (screams) -Oh, yes.
Wow. Smart move. Calling for help.
Oh, no. I'm on Yelp.
I got to let the people know what kind of operation
they got going on here.
Plus, I took a sweet pic of my crackers.
This place is only two and a half stars?
I would have never set foot in here if I knew that.
State your request.
Uh, yeah, she had a hair in her latte.
Oh, no. A hair in your latte?
Yeah, it touched my lip.
Was it curly?
Ew, a curly one.
You know what that means. (laughs)
(staffs banging on floor)
Why would you do that?
I'm gonna put that in my review.
You should leave one, too.
RHETT: I don't post on Yelp.
-But do you read the reviews? -Of course.
You take, but you don't give. You're so selfish.
Okay, well, if it makes you feel better,
I'll help you on this one. What are you thinking?
"My ice water was too cold.
Plus, people in cages. May die here. One star."
My hens were magnificent. Put that.
Okay, two stars.
Silence, worms! State your request.
Well, I just wanted to pay for what I ate,
and he wanted to split the bill right down the middle,
but it's not a big deal.
I'll just pay half. No problem.
No problem, huh? He said it's no problem.
So, what'd you have?
Well, I had the ice water
and the crackers.
Oh, number 47. And you?
Ah, yes. The hens are...
MANAGER: Does that seem fair?
Does that seem fair to you?
No, I don't think so.
It seems to me that you
should only have to pay for what you ate.
And it seems incredibly selfish
that your tall, fur-clad friend here
wants to split the bill down the middle.
-Yeah, that's what I thought. -What'd you say?
Well, I was just saying that's also what I thought.
You're damn right, that's what you thought.
So what do you say we split him down the middle right now?
-(blade clinks) -You're gonna start there?
LINK: Well, n-no.
Uh, no, d-don't do it.
Listen, I'll just...
-I'll pay for the whole thing. -Glen?
You know Glen?
I told you his name was Glen.
Y-Yeah, he's our roommate.
I would never inconvenience a friend of Glen's.
Well, he's not exactly a friend.
No, Glen is a great friend of ours-- he's like...
BOTH: A brother to both of us.
Glen is a man of tremendous power.
Please tell him this was a big misunderstanding.
My regards to everyone at the sanctuary.
Release him immediately.
And I'm gonna change that review to three stars.
Hurry up. We got to get as far away from Glen as possible.
Well, where am I supposed to sit?
Oh, no, what I mean is you should hurry up
and start running to get a head start,
because I'm gonna be driving this motorcycle very fast.
Well, afternoon, gentlemen.
Here's your meal, Rhett.
Oh, thanks. I had a light lunch.
Hey, y-you got to move this thing.
Our third roommate is a serial killer,
and we got to get out of town.
-Wait, Glen is a serial killer? -Yeah.
Look, well, I can get you wherever you need to go
in five to seven business days.
I can also give you tracking information
so you know when you get there.
Hop in back.
Well, now I got to untie this whole thing.
I can't believe you were just gonna leave me there to die.
I was not. I was gonna send help
-the moment I got to safety. -I don't believe you.
I had a multi-prong plan you didn't even know about.
And how can you eat at a time like this?
And is that meat supposed to be gray?
I don't know. Once a week I get an experimental meal.
I'm not allowed to know what it is until I'm finished eating it.
That way, my tasting notes won't be influenced
by any food prejudices.
You can be racist towards food?
Listen, there are food stereotypes for a reason.
I mean, come on, "glazed Danish"?
I don't get it.
Then you're part of the problem.
Hey, guys, I got one last delivery.
This'll just take a second.
So long as you get us to safety.
No safer place than the sanctuary.
BOTH: The sanctuary?!
That's the last place we want to go.
LINK: Dylan's walking right into
the serial killer's lair.
-We got to stop him. -RHETT: Listen,
I love Dylan like a guy
who delivers me mail, but hard pass.
You don't care about anybody but yourself, do you?
Sometimes caring about people gets you hurt.
Well, maybe sometimes it's worth it to get hurt.
In this case, getting hurt could mean
getting chopped to bits by a psycho killer.
Well, this isn't the best example,
but I'm still going up there, with or without you,
because I care about people.
Well, I'm not going in unarmed.
What are you gonna do with a pool noodle?
What are you gonna do with a purse?
What if we're too late? What if Dylan's already dead?
Then we should probably turn back.
-But what if he's not dead? -Well, he'll probably be dead
by the time we get there, and we should still turn back.
Stop, Glen! We know what you're up to.
Um, actually, we don't.
This is all pretty disorienting.
Rhett, what are you doing down here?
You've never been to the sanctuary before.
Is this Link?
I have been dying to meet you.
I've heard you are a fellow toast lover.
-I also like crackers. -Okay, I like crackers.
He thinks you're a serial killer.
-What? -Of children.
What? A serial killer? That is insane.
I'm a turtle whisperer.
I use unorthodox methods, like sad clowning,
to bring traumatized turtles out of their shells.
-Makes sense. -What?
(whispers): Just watch this.
Are you sad, Timmy?
Come on out, Timmy.
Come out, Timmy.
-Come out, Timmy. -You did it!
Oh, Timmy, I missed you.
Well, how do you explain the creepy well
you dug in your bedroom?
It's for the tiny little creatures
-that need extra-special attention. -Mm-hmm.
Well, what are you putting in the body bags?
(gasps) That's for turtle role-play therapy
to help draw them out of their shells.
Why are they child-size?
-Well, half the size, half the price. -Hmm.
Your license plate literally says "loves hell."
-Loves hell? -Yeah.
-Well, that still doesn't make sense. -Yes, it does.
-Yeah. -Well, why are you writing messages
with letters cut out from magazines?
My printer broke and my pen went dry.
I guess that checks out.
And this is your full-time job?
When I was an itty-bitty child,
I had a hard time coming out of my shell, too.
And then one day, a clown drove by in a van
and offered me some candy.
I was scared. I was alone.
I was closed off from the world,
but Mr. Giggles took a chance on me!
And from that day on, I decided to pay it forward.
You know what?
I'm gonna pay it forward.
I'm gonna do something that I've never done before.
-Something completely selfless. -Mm-hmm.
I'm going to share my professional sandwich
with all of you.
Come on, everybody. Even you, Timmy.
-Oh, yeah. -Mmm... mmm.
GLEN: You have got to tell me what's in that sandwich.
It is delicious.
Well, thankfully for all of us,
that information is contained on this card right here.
GLEN: Oh, perfect.
Well, you're gonna laugh.
What? What is it?
Uh, I don't think I can do this justice.
-Oh, come on. -This is getting silly.
Why don't you read it?
He's never coming out of there, is he?
No. Looks like you're gonna need to pay for
two-thirds of the coffee maker.