Well, just look at it!
Look at how huge this beast is - it's ginormous!
And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console or a fuckin' closet?
Even the AC adapter weighs a million tons.
Now seriously, have you ever seen one of these?
Other than the Atari 5200, I haven't.
The AC adapter and TV actually share the same wire.
Then there's all these numeric buttons.
Like, what the shit is this?
Is this thing a phone?
Tiger game console!
In 1997, this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy.
You'd think it was called the "Game.com", but it's actually the "Game Com".
*Game Com active*
You could even connect a dial-up modem to it to access the Internet, text only.
I don't believe it myself.
Imagine reading your e-mail on this thing.
And you'd have to hook it up to a modem, so you couldn't leave your house, anyway...
Why not just use a COMPUTER?!
I remember in the early 90's, seeing commercials for the 3DO.
It was advertised as the most advanced game system, and it forced itself right into your face.
Like if you don't get this thing, you're gonna get left in the dust.
It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that those are just baby toys.
Well, everybody I knew had those baby toys, and nobody, I repeat, NOBODY I have ever met owned a 3DO.
Probably because its price in the U.S. was $700. I mean, fuck!
But you'd better buy it, because this is the REAL gaming console. That was its slogan, "REAL".
Because it's a REAL piece of shit.
There were many different models. This right here is the FZ-1, made by Panasonic.
It only has one controller input.
Wow. Now that's what you call an advanced system, isn't it?
Instead of two controller inputs, let's just have one.
Let's make it so you have to plug the second controller into the first controller and just daisy-chain them together.
What were they fuckin' thinking?!
It sucks. Oh God, it sucks.
You plop it on the top of the Genesis like they're mating.
God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons?
It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor.
Oh, you gotta love this. No end labels on the cartridges.
Believe it or not, like the Sega CD, it has its own fucking power adapter.
That's great. I mean, now you got three.
And tryin' to hook 'em all up at the same time is a friggin' nightmare.
Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit.
What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad?
I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit.
Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways?
Or better yet, why the hell do they have these box things?
Why can't it just be like this?
So anyway, let's fire this monster up and play some Primal Rage.
Oh please, God, tell me what's going on.
Why can't I see the characters?
I'm playing invisible Primal Rage!
Alright, let's try Virtua Fighter.
What the fuck?!
Guess what? We left something out.
There's another cable, which connects the Genesis to the 32X.
Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted onto the top of the Genesis?
Why does it need another connector?
Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess.
And what a perfect visual analogy.
Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis.
And that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like.
It's on life support.
How could there exist a bad Zelda game, let alone three of 'em?! And on a console that's not Nintendo.
Look how huge it is! It looks like one of those old VCRs!
It is the biggest video game console I've ever seen.
But at first, I thought the controller input was broken.
I have four different controllers, and none of them worked,
except for the wireless one, which sucks so bad, it isn't even worth it.
Then I found out that there's another input...
...on the back!
So, the one on the front is either broken or intended for the second player.
This means that every time I wanna swap a controller,
I have to pull out the whole console.
(muttering quietly) Piece of dog shit...
Look at this mess. A steering wheel? A gun?
What madman came up with this?
Believe it or not, it actually uses cartridges.
Have you ever seen a cartridge like this? A silver triangle that snaps onto the top of the console?
Yeah. The fucking Jaguar CD.
There's somethin' about this that perplexes me.
You have a game console that not many people owned,
so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console.
Besides, the fuckin' thing has its own AC adapter.
So that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD.
And that's some cool-lookin' design.
It looks just like a toilet.
Yeah, it's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy.
And speaking of weird hookups, the worst of all is the RCA Studio II.
Technically, it's not a Pong console because it uses cartridges,
but when the hell am I ever gonna talk about this thing?
Typically, any game system will use two wires: one for the AC adapter, and one to plug into the TV.
But then there's shitty consoles like this, that think they're being cutting-edge by combining both the wires into one.
In other words, both the video connector and AC adapter plug into the same box, which then plugs into the TV.
Again, forcing you to use a box, and to unscrew it every time you wanna play a different game system.
So, technically speaking, the video signal is traveling up this wire,
and then the electricity coming from the wall socket is coming back through the same wire.
I don't even understand how that works!
It doesn't even have any external controllers.
Two players would have to huddle around and use the keypads.
Man, if there was an RCA Studio I, I'd hate to see it.
Why isn't there a head strap?
Let's think about this. This must be one of the WORST designs for any invention in history!
It's basically a pair of GOGGLES on a stand!
The 3D effects are hard to focus, and they strain your eyes.
There is even a warning on the box that said it could cause headaches and seizures. That's great, right?
Well, that's it. The Virtual Boy was such a flop, it DIED in less than a year.
Yeah. Now, I didn't pick these games.
This is all of 'em. I just reviewed every Virtual Boy game to be released in North America.
That's right, I am holding the entire library of games for this piece of shit in my one hand!
So hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing?
That mentality is what brought us, what I think, so far, is the WORST video game console I have EVER played...
This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy.
YES. I SAID THAT.
As if the Virtual Boy isn't already shitty enough!
Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?
Here's how it works. You take the game cartridge, you slide it into the system, then the screen lights up.
Then, you strap the thing on your head. And that's one thing I have to give it credit for, is that they actually thought to have a HEAD STRAP.
Anyway, the image gets projected right here - there's supposed to be a piece of reflective plastic; it's missing, but you can use almost anything.
So you put it there, and then it projects the game RIGHT THERE!
And keep in mind, this is portable, so you'd be going around public like, "Hey guys! How ya doin'? I'm just playin' a game here!"
Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no!
Imagine playing one of these, up close to your eye in red and black!
Good lord! You thought I was kidding.
But it's true. This actually happened.
Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eye strain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately.
Having it over one eye meant you had to go cross-eyed to look at it. Or, cover the other eye.
By the way, the game itself sucks just as much as the other Tiger games.
Thought you could turn around? Yeah, right.
I love how the advertisements always show a kid playing it. Look at his expression! He's horrified!
And in the commercial, the kid's screaming in agony!
ANNOUNCER: "You'd better not wait!" (boy's terrified scream) "Indy 500 roars into the R-Zone!"