- Y'all, here's the dill pickle, okay?
And here's the problem, (chuckles)
I got too many dill pickles, okay?
And that's the problem.
Some could say I don't have enough dill pickles,
but they'd be wrong.
Nothin' like a big, juicy pickle!
The reason I have a plethora of pickles
is 'cause I went through this phase, okay?
I went through a phase where I was like,
man, pickles sound good.
And that phase lasted about
just as long as it took me to check out and pay for these.
Yeah, I didn't want a pickle no more.
I think I just wanted to buy a pickle.
I don't know what that means.
Not only do I have the most amount of pickles possible,
but they're expired, okay?
I have pickled my pickles.
Peter piped a pick a peck of pick peppers, 'kay?
But did Peter Piper pick a peck of putrid pickles?
I don't think so. (laughing)
Do not purchase if safety button is up.
You should also put on the lid,
do not purchase and no one needs this many pickles!
Now I'm stuck sittin' in my car at seven PM
just downin' pickles.
That's a lot of sodium.
I don't even remember when I bought these.
I just opened my fridge and they were there.
God opened my eyes into the pickle situation I had at hand
and now I have to take care of said pickle sit'ation.
You don't know impulse purchasing
until you buy a gallon of pickles
and never open it.
I have a gallon of mayonnaise to match, okay?
I've opened the mayonnaise, though.
It's not me, it's you.
If you put your ear close enough,
you could dip your ear in pickle juice.
We're gonna get through this, okay?
I've been puttin' pickles on everything, okay?
I used a pickle to stir my coffee this morning.
Then I threw the coffee away.
Then I threw the pickle away.
I bet you were a cucumber in your past life.
And I don't care for pickles anymore!
It was a phase!
Did Peter Piper have this pickle problem?
You know how when you try to get yourself eat
something really gross, you plug your nose
and imagine it's somethin' else?
I've been doin' that, okay?
I plug my nose, chew the pickle,
and imagine that all the pickles are gone.
And then I open my eyes and I still have so many pickles!
(groans) In other news, I'm hostin' a pickle party,
if you wanna come to my pickle party
and make sure you RSPP,
that stands for pickle party.
Seats are readily available
if you wanna show up to my pickle party.
For going pickles.
You're makin' me emotional!
I just wish I had a metal straw.
(slurps) So I could ram it through my eye!
They're not that bad,
you eat about four or five of 'em.
Your body will go into anapicklectic shock, though.
I haven't even felt pickles three through five.
I don't plan on stoppin'
'til there's no more pickles to be had.
My eyes were too big for my stomach.
The pickles were also too big for my stomach.
Oh, they're kosher!
That means they're biblical.
How much vinegar can the human body take at once?
I think I passed it.
A homeless man.
Excuse me, sir?
May I interest you in a pickle?
So they don't stick.
I found more pickles!
My fridge is like Vlasic Park.
Yeah, went and bought these pickles
just so I could make that joke.
I'll eat 'em!
I always do.
Kosher dill spears.
Is that Britney Spears' Jewish older sister?
My pickles don't fit in my cup holder!
Okay, so I got the big dills
and I got the Britney Spears.
Take your pickle.
Yeah, I thought of that joke four hours after I filmed.