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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Jenna, Thomas, Joanna - D.Mitchell's bike buddies? Kate W's festival chums? Josh Widdecombe's mates?

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Please welcome this week's special guests,

Jenna, Thomas and Joanna.

APPLAUSE

So...

Kate, first of all. What are they to you?

This is Jenna, Thomas and Joanna and they let me sleep in their tent

in Glastonbury when I couldn't find mine. OK.

Josh, how do you know them? This is Jenna, Thomas and Joanna

and together we made up my entire school year. Right.

David, what is your connection?

This is Jenna, Thomas and Joanna

and I nudged them into a canal

when I lost control of my Boris bike.

LAUGHTER

So, there we have it.

Are they Kate's festival friends, Josh's school chums,

or David's bike buddies?

Lee's team. Josh, when you say,

between the four of you, you made up your school year,

do you mean it didn't exist?

My entire year was us four.

I'm looking at faces now to see if they look an equal age. Now...

Well, yeah, I suppose... Do you think they look an equal age?

Yeah, they do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's convincing.

OK, that bit of the story we believe. Yes.

They look a lot younger than Josh, it has to be said.

Well, you know, they're probably doing three to four press-ups a day.

LAUGHTER

What's... Between them or...?

LAUGHTER

What year was this? 1987... Yeah. ..to 1994.

I would've been four to 11.

Where was it? Where were you at school? Devon.

Where in Devon? On Dartmoor.

How many kids were in the other years? Oh, well, ours was the smallest.

You don't say(?) Yeah.

So the one below was six... Right.

I think it actually started to get bigger,

cos the school got more popular, so by the time I was leaving,

you were looking at eight or nines.

Right. That's ridiculous.

How does a child get any attention with that sort of class size?

LAUGHTER

Have you stayed in contact with them? Uh...

I haven't stayed in contact with Jenna and Joanna.

Why? Why?

LAUGHTER

Hang on, let's test him on this. Which one is Thomas?

LAUGHTER

Thomas is in the middle.

And I've seen him a couple of times because his brother is married to my sister.

Really? Yeah.

And they talk about the Welsh, don't they?

LAUGHTER

If this was the size of your year,

what happened when you got to the Nativity play or the summer concert?

The summer concert?

LAUGHTER

Or the garden party, or the...?

When you troop the colour, how did you do that?

LAUGHTER

Well, it wasn't just a class of four,

we were taught four years together.

Oh, so four fours...12.

16. 16!

LAUGHTER

And that's the benefit of the smaller class size, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Is it still as small? I don't still go.

No, but you must know. You must know.

It'd be frowned upon if I hung outside, counting the children.

LAUGHTER

I'm interested to know what the system was at lunchtime.

Was it packed lunches or did they provide something hot?

Obviously, because there was only, what, 40 children in our school,

there was no need to cook school dinners on-site.

So you went to a restaurant? What are you talking about?

LAUGHTER

So we went to Wagamama's. No, um...

LAUGHTER

So, what would happen, cos obviously most of us were packed, so, um...

LAUGHTER

You've got a very high opinion of yourself.

LAUGHTER

So what would happen would be, when you were answering their register,

you wouldn't say, "Here". Instead you'd say "packed" or "dinners".

Then one of the children would tally up the amount of people that

say "dinners" and then they'd phone it through to the nearest school who would...

The nearest school is where you are.

No, that's... To the next school. Oh, right.

Then they'd cook us the eight dinners and get them sent across.

So you were having supply dinners, essentially.

Yeah, we had a kind of meals on wheels deal with our dinners.

Wow. All right, who would you like to quiz next?

Uh, David. Yeah, David.

Uh...where were you cycling on your Boris bike?

The Regent's Canal in London.

Sort of from where I live towards...

Eastwards towards Kings Cross. "Eastwards"?

Where were you going, Mordor?

LAUGHTER

"I was travelling eastwards." Eastwards, yes, easterly.

Easterly?! In an easterly direction.

"I'm off out." "Where you going?"

"Uh, I'm going eastwards."

APPLAUSE

"I'll see you later." "When are you back?" "Oh, I don't know."

"It depends what the westerly wind's like on the way back."

Have you got a bay of Boris bikes near you? Not that near me.

I was hurrying somewhere and I was late...

Where were you going? To a meeting.

Were you wearing a helmet? I was not.

Right, so you were going to a meeting, you were in a rush.

How did you manage to knock three people in?

It's ridiculous, isn't it? Were they stood dressed as dominoes?

LAUGHTER

No, they were sort of sitting on the edge of the canal.

I was... I'm not an experienced cyclist.

I'd only got the Boris bike because I was running so late.

Did you knock them in the river and you thought,

"Let's swap numbers and keep in touch"?

That's exactly it, yes. LAUGHTER

I thought that. So just talk us through it in a bit more detail.

Did you knock them off with your body?

Did you knock them off with the bike?

I'm cycling along the towpath - I'm late. My phone rings.

It's the people at the meeting, and I'm afraid I answer my phone...

Oh. ..on the towpath...

Without a helmet. Helmetless. Oh, David.

You don't expect me to put a helmet on to answer my phone.

LAUGHTER

And when they went in, what did you then do?

Well, they were out again as soon as they were in... Shallow.

It wasn't a very deep bit of the canal.

The deeper water is further out.

That's actually the title of my collection of poems.

LAUGHTER

David? Yeah. If I was cycling at speed and I hit three people...

..I think I'd go over myself.

Wouldn't...? I think the momentum would take me off my bike.

Well, what can I tell you? Doesn't happen.

LAUGHTER

What about Kate? Do you have any questions, Brian, for Kate?

Yes. Can you...? What did Kate say?

She couldn't find her tent at Glastonbury,

so these three reprobates, let's call them,

offered for her to sleep in their tent.

They're my knights in shining armour, they rescued me.

Do you know that I've just done the voiceover

for all the loos at Glastonbury? Oh!

For the loos?!

What do you say? What is the voiceover?

"Are you enjoying your loo? Some people don't have any loo at all.

"All over the world they don't have a loo and you're privileged to have a loo."

I've just done a whole government thing for it.

I thought possibly you might have sat in one of these loos.

LAUGHTER

No, but I'm envisioning the thought of going into a loo

and suddenly you popping into my ears. LAUGHTER

Can I just at this point...? Kevin, I know for fact,

can do a very, very good Brian Blessed impersonation.

AS BRIAN: "I, no, I wouldn't, absolutely..."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Are you sitting down?"

"Are you sitting comfortably?"

Oh, great, now I've got him in stereo.

LAUGHTER

First of all, when was this? This was Glastonbury, 2011.

My boyfriend bought tickets for him and his brother,

and then I heard Beyonce was going to be there,

so I said, "I'll come, too," so I could see the goddess... OK.

..in person. So you've lost your tent...

So at one o'clock in the morning, I needed to go to the loo,

so I set off in search of the loos with my phone.

And because you'd gone to see Beyonce,

when you couldn't find your tent... There's a joke coming up.

..did you go, # Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh,-uh-oh, uh-oh... # ?

SHE SINGS ALONG

Rob, Rob, Rob...

No... You told us about some joke that was on its way.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So you come back and now you can't find your tent...

Well, I had a bit of a loo mission,

because the first set of loos were not clean,

and so I had to try and find some more, so I went...

Someone, said, "There's some more over there,"

and there were people sort of, you know, making new friends there,

so I didn't want to stay there.

LAUGHTER

This poor woman who was taking pity on me said,

"There's another over there," so I went to the other ones, and...

This is like a quest. Yes. First set of loos, too dirty.

Second set of loos, too sexually compromised.

Set of loos number three...

This is the voiceover you want in the toilet, ladies and gentlemen.

"Don't forget this is for defecation, not sexual compromise."

LAUGHTER

Yes, I have the precise timbre to reverse arousal.

LAUGHTER

So you're going, you're crawling through the grass at Glastonbury...

I found the third set. That was all fine. Good.

And then I thought, "OK, I'm going to walk back now."

But I just couldn't find my way.

How did they come about?

Well, I was wandering around and then I just thought,

"I'm going to have to throw myself on someone's mercy," so I...

I thought you were going to say "tent" then.

I thought, "That's no way of doing it". Help me!"

Surely just knock on the flap first.

That's the voice you need in the toilet!

LAUGHTER

I just saw these three friendly people, and I thought,

"Maybe I'll just approach them," because I was getting desperate.

So I said, "Look, I'm completely lost," and they said they'd help.

"We'll help you find this first set of loos,"

because if I found the first set, I can find my tent. I see.

So, they said, "Look, we could be going all night,

"this is really useless, let's just go and sleep in our tent."

What's the set-up with Thomas...

Jenna and Joanna? LAUGHTER

Well, this is a good point, Rob, because I did have that question...

Did you hear that? Good point. Unlike the postman.

Good point. I know, I got it.

I was wondering when the joke was coming.

Yeah. That's the problem with postal jokes,

it's always the next day when you get it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right. We need an answer.

So, Lee's team, are Jenna, Thomas and Joanna Kate's festival friends,

Josh's school chums, or David's bike buddies?

Do you think there's any truth in David's story?

No, none at all. None at all.

The whole escapade sounds like Toad Of Toad Hall with the bike,

the Boris bike going down the canal.

Regent's Canal, of course, that's near the zoo there,

where you get lots of orang-utans.

LAUGHTER

At the very least, it's unlikely.

Oh, it's definitely unlikely. I mean, it's worthy of anecdote.

I mean, no-one's going to come and say,

"These are three people I said hello to in the post office".

LAUGHTER

There's got to be an unlikeliness to it or it's not worth televising.

APPLAUSE

This is potentially worth televising.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think it's Josh.

Brian thinks it's Josh. Yeah. Kevin?

I also think it's Josh.

Is it the ages? Cos they do look very similar in age.

I have to say, Tom in the middle there, of the three,

looks like he's had a slightly harder life.

LAUGHTER

We're going to go with Josh. You're going to say it's Josh.

On behalf of the three,

Joanna, would you reveal your true identities?

We are Joanna, Thomas and Jenna,

and together we make up the entire year of Josh's school.

APPLAUSE

It is. And here's the proof, we've got the school photo.

Have a look.

Thank you very much, Jenna, Thomas and Joanna.

APPLAUSE

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